What Mother’s Day feels like

Who goes a day without checking any social media? Actually, who goes more than 3 hours without checking any social media? Be honest...the answer is no one! Correction, no one from my generation. And that generation includes women who are wanting, are having or have had children. And, out of those who exist within said generation, who did their own social media post last weekend for Mothers Day? The answer...I would guess about 95%.

So, like Christmas, it comes but once a year and for a grieving Mother it’s no longer a celebrated day but a dreaded one. One where you check social media because it’s your habit but you know it’s going to sting. You maybe post about your angel baby to of course, acknowledge your existence as a mother or if you have living children you post about both your living and angel babies. It theoretically will make you feel better or like you are involved in this day. You notice all of the people acknowledging their own mothers, their children, perhaps they’ve even acknowledged “grieving mothers” or those “struggling with infertility” as if they understand what you’re feeling. But, for those of you who do not belong to this sacred and oh-so-painful club, this is what Mother’s Day feels like and what those posts feels like...

It’s painful. It’s exhausting. It’s emotional. And, if a mother also has living children...it is complicated!

While adding a nice graphic or shout out to those struggling is a nice thought, I hate to admit it, sometimes is a bit infuriating. I know everyone has seen this graphic:

This is a lovely thought. But, I saw this one on I want to say 20 posts last weekend. So, again, it’s a nice thought but to me, this doesn’t show me you see me. This shows me you feel badly for posting your own thought out photo of your own family and re posted the same graphic that everyone else did without looking for something or saying something authentic and personal. While I can appreciate that you might not know what to say or do, can I suggest that you don't post a generic graphic and rather reach out to anyone you know personally? or send a small gift that says you spent some time thinking about what would make that mom feel a tiny bit better.  

To be 100% honest, since having Kyla here, Mother’s Day is bearable but it’s far from joyful. She brings a bright light to my life every single day. I also miss Brady and Levi, every single day. And, watching other happy families celebrate Mother's Day without complication is painful.  It's not their happiness that is painful, it is my lack of 100% pure, uncomplicated happiness that is painful and those photos are triggers. 

Mother's Day for grieving mothers (and Father's Day for grieving fathers) is not simple.  It's a trigger.  It feels both like something you want to sleep away and something you want to continue to be recognized for.  It's impossible.  You're a mother if you feel like you're a mom.  Whether that be to an angel baby, to a living, healthy child, to an adopted or foster child, to a niece or nephew that you are close with, to those that live in your heart and mind and that you hope to have some day... they come in all forms.  But, on Mother's day, those who have lost their little ones to the heavens above can't see that.  They only see the void.  And, that's simply because it's a day that, like Valentine's Day, highlights a specific population, one that a grieving mother instantly feels like she does not belong to.  It's a trigger!

I am not suggesting that myself or any of my fellow angel mamas out there are not happy for your happiness, or that we expect you to know what exactly to do or say on any day, especially Mother’s Day.  It is merely a snapshot into what it feels like to be an angel mama on this day. So, next Mother's Day, if you know someone who might be struggling, just mention their name. Mention their angels name.  Don't post something impersonal, make it personal. Because it's always personal to them.

Much love to all my fellow club members. Especially those I know personally. And to our babies who live in the sky: Brady, Levi, Mikayla, Hope, Oliver, William and Addi...We love you! We MISS you! You live in our hearts on Mother’s Day and every other 364 days of the year.