What Mother’s Day feels like

Who goes a day without checking any social media? Actually, who goes more than 3 hours without checking any social media? Be honest...the answer is no one! Correction, no one from my generation. And that generation includes women who are wanting, are having or have had children. And, out of those who exist within said generation, who did their own social media post last weekend for Mothers Day? The answer...I would guess about 95%.

So, like Christmas, it comes but once a year and for a grieving Mother it’s no longer a celebrated day but a dreaded one. One where you check social media because it’s your habit but you know it’s going to sting. You maybe post about your angel baby to of course, acknowledge your existence as a mother or if you have living children you post about both your living and angel babies. It theoretically will make you feel better or like you are involved in this day. You notice all of the people acknowledging their own mothers, their children, perhaps they’ve even acknowledged “grieving mothers” or those “struggling with infertility” as if they understand what you’re feeling. But, for those of you who do not belong to this sacred and oh-so-painful club, this is what Mother’s Day feels like and what those posts feels like...

It’s painful. It’s exhausting. It’s emotional. And, if a mother also has living children...it is complicated!

While adding a nice graphic or shout out to those struggling is a nice thought, I hate to admit it, sometimes is a bit infuriating. I know everyone has seen this graphic:

This is a lovely thought. But, I saw this one on I want to say 20 posts last weekend. So, again, it’s a nice thought but to me, this doesn’t show me you see me. This shows me you feel badly for posting your own thought out photo of your own family and re posted the same graphic that everyone else did without looking for something or saying something authentic and personal. While I can appreciate that you might not know what to say or do, can I suggest that you don't post a generic graphic and rather reach out to anyone you know personally? or send a small gift that says you spent some time thinking about what would make that mom feel a tiny bit better.  

To be 100% honest, since having Kyla here, Mother’s Day is bearable but it’s far from joyful. She brings a bright light to my life every single day. I also miss Brady and Levi, every single day. And, watching other happy families celebrate Mother's Day without complication is painful.  It's not their happiness that is painful, it is my lack of 100% pure, uncomplicated happiness that is painful and those photos are triggers. 

Mother's Day for grieving mothers (and Father's Day for grieving fathers) is not simple.  It's a trigger.  It feels both like something you want to sleep away and something you want to continue to be recognized for.  It's impossible.  You're a mother if you feel like you're a mom.  Whether that be to an angel baby, to a living, healthy child, to an adopted or foster child, to a niece or nephew that you are close with, to those that live in your heart and mind and that you hope to have some day... they come in all forms.  But, on Mother's day, those who have lost their little ones to the heavens above can't see that.  They only see the void.  And, that's simply because it's a day that, like Valentine's Day, highlights a specific population, one that a grieving mother instantly feels like she does not belong to.  It's a trigger!

I am not suggesting that myself or any of my fellow angel mamas out there are not happy for your happiness, or that we expect you to know what exactly to do or say on any day, especially Mother’s Day.  It is merely a snapshot into what it feels like to be an angel mama on this day. So, next Mother's Day, if you know someone who might be struggling, just mention their name. Mention their angels name.  Don't post something impersonal, make it personal. Because it's always personal to them.

Much love to all my fellow club members. Especially those I know personally. And to our babies who live in the sky: Brady, Levi, Mikayla, Hope, Oliver, William and Addi...We love you! We MISS you! You live in our hearts on Mother’s Day and every other 364 days of the year.

What to Share?

I had mentioned in a past blog post that my pregnancy with Kyla was largely kept quiet and that I would explain that decision in a future post.  Well...the time has come.  It's lengthy, but the reasoning would not adequately be explained without the length.

When it came time for our IVF transfer in the Summer of 2017 (which would eventually lead to Kyla) we were only about 3 months past the miscarriage (and subsequent D & C) that was a result of our first IVF transfer.  And, that miscarriage was just under a year after we lost Levi and a year and a half after losing Brady.  So, needless to say, we were feeling very nervous and guarded as we approached our second transfer and fourth potential pregnancy.

I should also mention that we use IVF for a fairly unconventional reason.  It is not due to infertility but because we have to have each fertilized embryo tested for the genetic 'spelling error' that exists in myself, Brady and Levi.  That being said, we cannot do this with every local clinic.  So, after a bit of research and soul searching, we found the Ottawa Fertility Centre.  Yes, you read that right...Ottawa.  That's about 5.5 - 6 hours from where I live. The whole process takes longer, is more expensive and has several more variables to consider than the traditional IVF route.  That's not to mitigate the traditional IVF process, merely to illustrate the weight of this process emotionally on us following several losses.

We were heartbroken after our miscarriage because it's another loss but also because it seemed like this was the answer.  This IVF process ruled out the factor that had taken our other babies.  We hadn't even considered that there could be another issue.  As long as it worked...we were pregnant! So, leading up to this (the second) frozen embryo transfer, we decided to at least, keep it quiet for the first 12 weeks and then decide how to proceed.

We were driving to Ottawa at the end of June 2017 under the pretense that I was accompanying Neil on a work trip to Moncton, New Brunswick.  No one knew we were on our way to Ottawa. But, about half way there we realized, we are heading to the capitol of the country and will be there for not only Canada day (July 1) but Canada's 150th birthday celebration.  Thousands of people were going to be there.  Thousands of variables, potential violence etc.  Maybe we should tell someone where we will be?  My sister-in-law was that person.  The one and only person who knew where we were and what we were doing and the only one that would know anything up until 12 weeks time.

Fast forward a few weeks and we find out we have a positive pregnancy test.  We kept the promise to ourselves and did not reveal anything for 12 weeks.  We managed to get through birthdays, a camping trip, a wedding and plenty of hangouts without letting the cat out of the bag.  At 12 weeks, we revealed to our parents that we were expecting and asked that they not share the news.

The more time that past, the more I realized not only was I nervous for the health of our baby but also, really began to empathize with anyone struggling with infertility, anyone who had suffered a pregnancy or infant loss or anyone suffering in general.  It really brought me back to the past 2 years when I was the one struggling and would watch pregnancy announcements pop up on social media.  It wasn't that I wasn't happy for the person but, there was always an ache and when a new post would pop up... that ache turned to a stab.  I realized I never wanted to be the person creating the stab wound to anyone else.  I'm not trying to suggest that this news should never be shared, but after our experiences and feeling those feelings myself...I had a different perspective.

Decision Made:  We wouldn't post anything or share anything about this pregnancy if it wasn't in person to people that are actively in our lives!

Friends that I saw on a regular basis found out when I saw them and they saw my belly.  And, extended family that I circumstantially didn't see, didn't find out until after Kyla was born!

It was a chore and it might not be the right decision for some but, this route protected our hearts from the expectations of others and from the vastness and pressure that comes from sharing your life online.  It was the right decision for us.  And, once she was here and healthy... no one cared how they found out.  Everyone was happy!

Since I didn't post any progress throughout my pregnancy with Kyla, I'll share some shots now...

Bumpdates 2017 /2018

Gift Guide for the Modern Crunchy Mama

With Mother's Day approaching, everyone is on the hunt for the perfect gift for their Mama, me included.  So, as a Mama myself who is all about a more natural approach to, health, wellness and well, life in general, I thought I would round up some ideas for my fellow modern crunchy mamas out there.

1. Matt & Nat REITI Bag - I LOVE purses and I really love this Mat and Nat cross body bag.  I adore the caramel colour and the casual cross body option for Summer.  Summer clothes always seem to be a bit more casual and this just matches perfectly while staying really stylish.  But, the best part about this bag is that it is made out of vegan leather.  It is completely cruelty free!

2. Sick Kids Get Better Gifts -   As a mama, the most likely thing you wish for your children is their health.  The Hospital for Sick Children, is a hospital that is exclusively pediatric and cares for those children that lack their health. Get Better gifts give you many options for many different price points all providing the hospital and/or it's patients with necessities. I know you've read my last post about little Addi. And although she was primarily cared for at McMaster Children's Hospital (another pediatric centre) she did receive care from Sick Kids as well.  I can think of no better way to spend your gift money than on the care of kids that need it.

3. Lululemon Align Leggings - I am a Lululemon lover and as a mama that generally works from home, leggings are a staple in the wardrobe.  Dress em up for playdate or dress em down for the gym, they work accross the board.  But, what I love about these leggings in particular is the high waist.  New mama belly?  Yep, these are your best friend.  In full disclosure,  I have heard some negative reviews regarding the management of this company but, for now they're the best I can find.

4. doTERRA Mothers Day Collection - This collection sold out SO fast.  It was brought back for a short time and then sold out again.  So, while you cannot get the full Mother's Day collection, I had to mention it because of it's beauty.  As well as, the Citrus Bloom oil, is being brought back maybe for good.  This blend is absolutely beautiful.  It is the perfect blend of cirtus and floral which is just perfect for the ladies in your life.

5. Vegan Cookbook - I love the Oh She Glows cookbooks.  I have her first cookbook and make those recipes frequently.  My favourite is the Cheerful Vegan Nachos. These have wonderful, flavourful and generally easy to complete recipes for vegans.  And, if your mama is an animal lover at all, it's a nice idea to try a vegan recipe here and there to limit your animal protien intake and explore other plant based options. I promise, it's delicious. 

6. Money Tree - Who ever said money doesn't grow on trees?  Well... I suppose it doesn't but a money tree is meant to bring good fortune to it's owner and this option actually gives you (the owner) a chance to plant the tree.  This allows you to watch it grow and thrive all while, theoretically,  watching your bank account grow and thrive.  That's a GREAT gift for mama.

7. doTERRA Rose Hand Lotion - Hand lotion is always a wonderful little gift for anyone.  But the doTERRA lotion is great for a few different reasons: It smells like roses which is so luxurious and feminine, it works so well to moisturize your hands which is a necessity for mamas who are always washing their hands after preparing food, wiping bums, playing with kiddos, grocery shopping etc.  AND the best part is that the profits from this rose lotion go directly to doTERRA's Healing Hands Foundation.

8. Beauty Counter Mini Lip Gloss Collection - I love Beauty Counter cosmetics for it's purity and 100% safe ingredients.  Not only is it completely safe for you and your kiddos (should they get into your make up or if you're an expecting mama), I find that it works and looks even better than my old-school Sephora make up. And, this little lip gloss collection is such a fun little gift.  It's always fun to add a little colour to your make up routine.

Share a little love with your modern crunchy mama next weekend!
Happy Early Mother's Day to all the Mamas out there.

We Remember

I'm veering away from a typical post this week because today, we remember Addi!

If you read my post last week about the Walk and Wheel for Mac Kids then you may recall I mentioned a little warrior named Addison who was fighting Acute Myeloid Leukemia and spent most of her journey at McMaster Children's Hospital.  Sadly, Addi lost that fight earlier this week.

Today is her memorial service!

So, today while I am still reaching out for donations to the Walk and Wheel, the charity of choice that Addi's parents have selected is C17.   "C17’s goal is to improve outcomes & quality of life for children with cancer & serious blood disorders in Canada. Currently, only 5% of donations to cancer research go to childhood cancer. Together we can help to grow that number, to save the lives of many other little warriors fighting their battles with childhood cancer in Canada."  

Circumstantially, I used to work for an organization that partnered with C17, so am aware of the good work that they do in the world of pediatric oncology in Canada.

So, if you know Addi or have followed her story, you've likely already donated because, how could you not?  But, if you haven't yet donated or if this is the first you've read about sweet Addison, check out her Facebook page and consider donating to this worthy cause in her name.  

"If you've seen the love that's in her eyes then everything is good, and if you know the way she felt inside, she's flying where she should.  I never believed we'd live to see an angel being born and flying home"  Flying Home - Chantal Kreviasuk 

Miss Kyla Faith & Blog Updates

If you follow along on any of my social media accounts, it should come as no surprise that the reason for this, longer than expected, hiatus is due to the birth of my daughter, Kyla Faith.  And while, this was necessary, I have really missed my little place here with you.

Her arrival was swift and "easy" (not easy but, rather simple. No outright craziness ensued or anything very unexpected).  I will do a birth story post as it's 6 months later and do want to make sure I write it down in my own words rather than solely relying on the midwife notes as time goes by.

For now though, I'll share some early photos of our dear girl that we waited so long and quietly (more on that decision later as well) for.  I apologize for their poor quality.  Most were taken with an I Phone camera.

Kyla's first photo

Ride home from the hospital

At 3 days old

One Week Old

It's really interesting to post these now, knowing what she looks like 6 months later.  In some photos I think she looks exactly the same and in others, she looks like a completely different child.

I should also quickly mention, that this blog space, while it will feature some tips and tricks for natural health and wellness, it seemed like a dedicated Facebook page would be a more appropriate space to educate on my oil business specifically.  So, ALL information that i convey regarding the oils can be found on the Simply Well Facebook page and bits and pieces will be worked into the new direction for Simply Graceful which will primarily be a lifestyle blog moving forward.

Thank you for checking back in and for the support on and off the blog.  I am really looking forward to continuing to connect with friends both near and far.