When it came time for our IVF transfer in the Summer of 2017 (which would eventually lead to Kyla) we were only about 3 months past the miscarriage (and subsequent D & C) that was a result of our first IVF transfer. And, that miscarriage was just under a year after we lost Levi and a year and a half after losing Brady. So, needless to say, we were feeling very nervous and guarded as we approached our second transfer and fourth potential pregnancy.
I should also mention that we use IVF for a fairly unconventional reason. It is not due to infertility but because we have to have each fertilized embryo tested for the genetic 'spelling error' that exists in myself, Brady and Levi. That being said, we cannot do this with every local clinic. So, after a bit of research and soul searching, we found the Ottawa Fertility Centre. Yes, you read that right...Ottawa. That's about 5.5 - 6 hours from where I live. The whole process takes longer, is more expensive and has several more variables to consider than the traditional IVF route. That's not to mitigate the traditional IVF process, merely to illustrate the weight of this process emotionally on us following several losses.
We were heartbroken after our miscarriage because it's another loss but also because it seemed like this was the answer. This IVF process ruled out the factor that had taken our other babies. We hadn't even considered that there could be another issue. As long as it worked...we were pregnant! So, leading up to this (the second) frozen embryo transfer, we decided to at least, keep it quiet for the first 12 weeks and then decide how to proceed.
We were driving to Ottawa at the end of June 2017 under the pretense that I was accompanying Neil on a work trip to Moncton, New Brunswick. No one knew we were on our way to Ottawa. But, about half way there we realized, we are heading to the capitol of the country and will be there for not only Canada day (July 1) but Canada's 150th birthday celebration. Thousands of people were going to be there. Thousands of variables, potential violence etc. Maybe we should tell someone where we will be? My sister-in-law was that person. The one and only person who knew where we were and what we were doing and the only one that would know anything up until 12 weeks time.
Fast forward a few weeks and we find out we have a positive pregnancy test. We kept the promise to ourselves and did not reveal anything for 12 weeks. We managed to get through birthdays, a camping trip, a wedding and plenty of hangouts without letting the cat out of the bag. At 12 weeks, we revealed to our parents that we were expecting and asked that they not share the news.
The more time that past, the more I realized not only was I nervous for the health of our baby but also, really began to empathize with anyone struggling with infertility, anyone who had suffered a pregnancy or infant loss or anyone suffering in general. It really brought me back to the past 2 years when I was the one struggling and would watch pregnancy announcements pop up on social media. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for the person but, there was always an ache and when a new post would pop up... that ache turned to a stab. I realized I never wanted to be the person creating the stab wound to anyone else. I'm not trying to suggest that this news should never be shared, but after our experiences and feeling those feelings myself...I had a different perspective.
Decision Made: We wouldn't post anything or share anything about this pregnancy if it wasn't in person to people that are actively in our lives!
It was a chore and it might not be the right decision for some but, this route protected our hearts from the expectations of others and from the vastness and pressure that comes from sharing your life online. It was the right decision for us. And, once she was here and healthy... no one cared how they found out. Everyone was happy!
Since I didn't post any progress throughout my pregnancy with Kyla, I'll share some shots now...
Bumpdates 2017 /2018
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